I have been wanting to post an update of whats been happenin over the last few days but havent really had the time to do so.. i should have cos now im just too upset and angry that I dont think Im in the mood to say much... why is it always me....

Just returned from the unsuccessful SQ interview... and feel like crap.. I am not sure whether I m upset abt not gettin thru or just upset abt being in this position that I am now....to add on to it.. I havent had a wink of sleep.. thanks to his phone bein off the entire night that kept me up. I wish I werent so easily affected by all these, if only I learnt how to ignore such behaviour, i felt so horrid the whole night till I received his msg this mrng n its amazing how he makes it seem so nothing. Maybe i should go missing, then see how things are...

He does the most wonderful things, says the most lovely words and makes me feel like no other has, and yet does this sorta thing n tell me am I not supposed to feel affected and upset.. I really dunno what to think. I know the world talks about not havin expectations n shit but cmon, I told him that I feel like crap now, n not a word of consolation! This is crazy! I did loads to spoil the relationship yes.. never denied it, and im makin every effort to redeem myself, but really do I have to be subject to such things?

I am expected to be silent and calm and not react to anythin at all, n let him live his life and what else?

Ok im really upset, i better not say anymore...