I have been wanting to post an update of whats been happenin over the last few days but havent really had the time to do so.. i should have cos now im just too upset and angry that I dont think Im in the mood to say much... why is it always me....

Just returned from the unsuccessful SQ interview... and feel like crap.. I am not sure whether I m upset abt not gettin thru or just upset abt being in this position that I am now....to add on to it.. I havent had a wink of sleep.. thanks to his phone bein off the entire night that kept me up. I wish I werent so easily affected by all these, if only I learnt how to ignore such behaviour, i felt so horrid the whole night till I received his msg this mrng n its amazing how he makes it seem so nothing. Maybe i should go missing, then see how things are...

He does the most wonderful things, says the most lovely words and makes me feel like no other has, and yet does this sorta thing n tell me am I not supposed to feel affected and upset.. I really dunno what to think. I know the world talks about not havin expectations n shit but cmon, I told him that I feel like crap now, n not a word of consolation! This is crazy! I did loads to spoil the relationship yes.. never denied it, and im makin every effort to redeem myself, but really do I have to be subject to such things?

I am expected to be silent and calm and not react to anythin at all, n let him live his life and what else?

Ok im really upset, i better not say anymore...

The start of a long online journal.....

Finally.. a discreet online account that is gonna allow me to post my random thoughts without havin to worry about who will read it and what will be thought of me... well eventually when the time is right, I hope to allow him to read this.. he will in due course. Well i had wanted to start this online journal way back when things were really nasty and I had to pen it all down.. so that when it was all over, I would have memories of my very rough path... but I guess the time wasnt right and it is now that I have managed to set up an account... Today has indeed been a nice day.. I miss Flower though. Stayed at her place last night, and he was so sweet to offer to come by to help us with the dvd cables that we just couldnt figure out. He is really such a sweetheart, he could have chosen not to bother. I miss him.. so much, and was so glad to be able to see him just for that weee bit. And this mrng, he msged even before I got out of bed, it was such a pleasure to wake up to his sms.. been a while since that has happned, and I sure had a smile pasted on my face :) to add on to that, he actually called during his lunchtime!!Now that is somethin that rarely ever happens... I was so happy...:D I am so thankful that he has given me this chance and I only pray and hope that he will be able to notice the change in me... although I have to admit that I am slightly disturbed by his single status on facebook, but well all that matters now is that he is with me, and I get to sleep lying on his shoulder, with him strokin my hair. there is nothing that can give me more solace than that.... I cannot picture myself in any other man's arms..... We had a gd conversation, for a gd 2 hrs or somethin... which further cleared our thoughts abt each other.. a few times in the course of conversation I was a little upset with what he said but I have to take it with a pinch of salt and be grateful that he is speakin to me... He is takin me for a show 2moro, and I am as excited as a child attending a carnival! I'm even thinkin of what to wear .. heehee... I am lookin forward to 2moro, and I want to bring a little somethin for him, just that I dunno what... shall think about it... and update 2moro nite.. ok one more M&M and I should go to bed....its 3.33am! I love my lil ghost....my macho lil ghost...